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I think that I am obviously not meant to be a knight. The past few days have proved it, both that I was accused of lying, that my former knight believes I AM a liar and I can't possibly think where he'd gotten that idea from, and that, when it comes down to it, I've been bested by teenagers, four of which at least played fairly, so that losing to them was not the problem. The fifth and smallest of them...well...I suppose the rules of fighting and of honor are far different in their country if they can be so easily broken.
Telling them that I would fight with them for a week was something I ought not to have promised yesterday morning before it all began, because they didn't ask my word and I offered it freely, seeing as I thought that I would be respected and the gossip and exaggeration as to what hapened not spread for everyone to hear when all was through. After the end of this week, I will either be going home, or dying upon my sword, whichever seems best to me at the time.
Knowing that I will never be a knight, never be trusted by one, or taken seriously enough by other esteemed fighters and members of a chivalry for them to fight me honestly...it's enough to make me want to give in right now and not bother with the next five days of Hell.
But yes, I gave my word, I swore a vow and I will be sticking to that vow. Today, even though I didn't want to do it, I joined them again this morning, I'll go back tomorrow and the next day to get my ass handed to me again, to be utterly disrespected again and to discover with a new morning, the fact that, yet again, I have wasted the last ten years of my life pursuing something I can never have, something I am not fit for in the end.
When it comes down to it, I ought to thank everyone from the last few days for showing me these things. Maybe I needed the ultimate final lesson in the fact that I suck as a human being, I don't know. I've lost my honor countless times so far, lost it even when I was in the right and my opponent was not.
In any case, I've given them my word and even if that's obviously not worth much now, and even if I haven't even the skill required to do one thing right in anybody's eyes here, there is at least the fact that it matters still to me. God knows one thing still had to.
Telling them that I would fight with them for a week was something I ought not to have promised yesterday morning before it all began, because they didn't ask my word and I offered it freely, seeing as I thought that I would be respected and the gossip and exaggeration as to what hapened not spread for everyone to hear when all was through. After the end of this week, I will either be going home, or dying upon my sword, whichever seems best to me at the time.
Knowing that I will never be a knight, never be trusted by one, or taken seriously enough by other esteemed fighters and members of a chivalry for them to fight me honestly...it's enough to make me want to give in right now and not bother with the next five days of Hell.
But yes, I gave my word, I swore a vow and I will be sticking to that vow. Today, even though I didn't want to do it, I joined them again this morning, I'll go back tomorrow and the next day to get my ass handed to me again, to be utterly disrespected again and to discover with a new morning, the fact that, yet again, I have wasted the last ten years of my life pursuing something I can never have, something I am not fit for in the end.
When it comes down to it, I ought to thank everyone from the last few days for showing me these things. Maybe I needed the ultimate final lesson in the fact that I suck as a human being, I don't know. I've lost my honor countless times so far, lost it even when I was in the right and my opponent was not.
In any case, I've given them my word and even if that's obviously not worth much now, and even if I haven't even the skill required to do one thing right in anybody's eyes here, there is at least the fact that it matters still to me. God knows one thing still had to.
depressed