magyar_saman

{

mood

♥♥

frustrated

}

I have been taking a well-deserved break from online and the (often) bad news it brings me.

It's been quiet, around here. It's also gotten poorer...and I can't figure out where the hell all our money is going.

I called the cell phone people, canceled my line and moved M's to a lower single plan. That'll save us a good $20 per month. I also had to deal with AT&T today, whether I wanted to, or not - I'd scheduled a $50 payment that somehow did not go through. Today, when I signed on shortly after waking up, my AT&T-related email address wasn't working, so I got on the web to see if I could get to it that way. That's when I found out that they'd "suspended" our account because we'd not paid anything. I know I scheduled that payment and the only thing I can figure out is they refused to take it because it wasn't the full amount. Be that as it may, I had to put my checking account further into the red (it was already there doggone it) and pay the full amount. While I was at it, I told them I wanted to make some changes in my services, so the guy supposedly transferred me to the department that takes care of that stuff...I sat on a dead line for an hour before I finally decided to hang up and redial. Normally there's muzak and stuff when you're waiting; this time there wasn't anything and I figured the transfer wasn't successfully completed. So, I get their stupid robot guy again, who still hasn't been "told" that I made the payment online (go figure - my DSL was supposedly suspended but I was still able to conduct business online) and wouldn't let me talk to a routine representative till I talked to one in Billing - again. She, as the guy before her, verified that I'd made the payment, and transferred me again. THIS time I got muzak and whatnot so I knew I hadn't been dropped. In a few minutes I was finally talking to the right person, who let me change a few things that should save us between $15 and $20 more per month.

Then, I sign onto the joint checking account to find out a $10 charge masquerading as a paypal subscription payment was made to the account. I asked M if he'd subscribed to anything and he said no...I have NO idea where it came from so I'm disputing it.

What we need to do is to find a person who is able to be generous, to give us about $500 so we can stop being overdrawn all the time and catch up on the back bills. I've been talking and praying to Goddess like crazy over this, because the stress from this "money bleed" is probably going to be the death of me.

At this point we have nothing - NOTHING - for Yule. No money for even one present for each of us. Nothing.

After all this time, I finally got notice that the VA is allowing me to contest their judgment in my claim for more benefits. I have this big ream of shit I have to go through and fill out. To do this I will have to send the form in for the records from my last neurologist, plus page through my considerable VA medical records. I've sat on this for a week mainly because I did not have the mental capacity to deal with it.

It's difficult to describe how I've been feeling. I've been on a stress rollercoaster since roughly June, between the money issues and the stalkers/harassers on LJ. Once my mind gets on that 'hamster wheel', it's hard to get back off, and it's just as hard to process feelings and get things done. I've spent the last week trying to do that - get off the wheel. It hasn't helped that a couple of credit card companies don't seem to comprehend "stop calling me" even after I sent them each a token $10 to get them to leave me alone. At this point, they've added to my burden of chores - I may have to look up the consumer law that states that if I tell them to stop calling, they have to, or they'll be subject to Federal penalties.

I'm scared, that much I know. I also feel like I'm "marking time", like maybe it's all going to come crashing down on the two of us, and it'll be all my fault, since I'm the money manager. I'm very angry, because nobody will help me. I'm very very sad, because I never thought things would get this bad. Lastly I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because it was my idea to use the credit cards to get groceries when we ran out of money - and that's turned into nothing but a delay because every month since they've been maxed out, we HAVE run out of money. That's why I decided to stop trying to pay the minimum amounts they ask. The way they compound the interest, minimum payments don't do jack shit to take the balances down, and my credit rating's already tanked, so what's the diff, yanno?

There's only so much that M can do. He's not ever dealt with a lot of this stuff so it's up to me to go it alone, and I find myself wishing again that somewhere, someone exists that could help pull me up out of all this shit...

If we had alcohol, I'd probably be drunk. If we had other mood-altering chemicals, I'd probably be stoned. I crave escape, and I see none. My "escape" has been playing SimCity Societies, recreating the world as I wish it could be. Last week M and I decided we both needed to treat ourselves, so we went to IHOP and had pancakes, eggs, and sausages (at least I did, M just had 'cakes and sausages), then went for an exploratory drive. We found the northern end of Sierra Hwy; they could've done THAT better, it just turns into a dead end. We found California City - or what passes for it - since it's obvious they had all kinds of plans for expansions that never happened. For instance: There's this very nice sign out in the middle of nowhere for a small office complex that was never built. There are signs they had subdivisions planned but it never got off the ground...so as a result, there are wide-open fields where the "city planners" had envisioned shopping centers and suburbs. We also talked a little more about finding a piece of land for what is now called "phase two" of our long-term goals. Phase Two is getting our house out of this park and onto its own land, after which we can see about bringing in another Sister and perhaps more mobile homes. Phase Three is going to be the large compound, and will be considerably bigger. This is not something we see happening for a decade or more.

I allowed myself to dream and not to think of the money-suck we're stuck in which makes it virtually impossible to find and buy that piece of land, much less get a mortgage to pay my landlord off for what I still owe him...that reminds me, yet another chore - compose a letter to him and fax it with the property tax bill I can't pay that he said he'd cover. *sigh* See what I mean?

At any rate, we had a very nice afternoon, and returned home to nap. Now M has been feeling shades of guilt over spending the gas/money on that little sojourn. I told him to cut it out, that we needed it, because we haven't been out of the house in quite literally MONTHS. No money for even a quick dinner at Denny's or something like that. The entire situation's been very hard on both of us.

But, as I said, I feel hopelessly trapped and my mind has become a logjam that I somehow have to clear if I can expect to get anything done - and I've got plenty to accomplish.

Even so, I have been busy on my projects, and have yet another small baby blanket nearly completed. I decided to keep doing this kind of stuff at first, because it's quick and I can sell each piece for, say, $25-$35 apiece. But that's another thing - I can't list them on Etsy till the first, because it costs like 60 cents per item to list. Until then, I will likely advertise them here on my blog, so please pass the word around, because I really need to be making extra money, and this is the only way I can do it without fatiguing myself back into oblivion.

So, now y'all know where I've been, and what I've been doing (or not doing as the case may be). Just to show that there's still a touch of optimist in me, I'll close out with two photos I took of an especially glorious sunset sometime last week. The one is obviously scattered clouds picking up color; the other requires a little more explanation. The second photo captured what is called a Lenticular Wave coming over the Tehachapis to my northwest. What I was seeing was the underside of the clouds, which looked like they'd been "poked up" by the tips of the mountains. The reddish light from the sunset caught the unusual detail in these concave areas. Believe me, it was far more spectacular in real life than these two photos can capture.