luludi's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] luludi Dancing with Dragonflies Chasing the dragonfly, dancing with light, my eyes fixed on shimmering wings, my heart in flight. On the edge of a lily pad lands the dragonfly, tail like a blue thread loosened from the sky. And what is a butterfly, you ask? At best, he is but a caterpillar, finely dressed. A dragonfly captures the soul and mind, all this in only a moment of time. ~ Chasing Dragonflies [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

in-laws and in-vitro fertilization [Friday, April 11th 2008] So, since my father's passing, because I want to be around family and my mother is a total wench, we've moved in with my in-laws. They're not as bad as some might think, and of course we appreciate the opportunity to stay here, but there are little things that make me nuts. No. 1 ~ we never ate dinner as a family in my house growing up. No, I should rephrase that.. we never sat at the table and had dinner as a family. I'd grab something quick when I came home from school, Mom would make dinner and if I wanted any I'd come upstairs and get some, and then either go watch TV with Dad or go back downstairs and hide in my cave. Even on the rare occasions when we were all in the kitchen at the same time, we didn't have 'sit-down' dinners unless it was Thanksgiving, and even then, the guys would be in the den watching sports or something or other and everyone else would be doing their own thing. This is not to say we couldn't stand to be around each other or anything like that, we just never got into the whole 'Leave It To Beaver', family-style, traditional sit down dining. I never even thought about it growing up, as most of my friends and their families did the same. Well, it is apparently quite important to my father-in-law that everyone sits down at the table together. This would be fine, but I am not always hungry when they are ready to eat. Likewise, I am often starving and resort to snacking myself stuffed on the nights when they don't have dinner until nine o'clock. In short, if you want me to report to the table for dinner, let's try to have it at a consistent (and reasonable) time. I am a full-time college student ~ I have homework, I like to go running and do my own thing, and I have a disease (endometriosis) which doesn't allow me to eat anything I want. Lately, I've had to scale back to no dairy, no chocolate, no caffeine, no red meat, and no rich, fatty foods because they either cause cramps, make me sick, or both. Unfortunately, all my mother-in-law knows how to cook is the food mentioned above. Healthy, low-fat, low-cholesterol, 'skim' and 'light' are not in her repertoire. In addition, my father-in-law was quite upset that I left the other night just as dinner was ready, because it was his birthday... nevermind that my father just died and I might not want to celebrate anyone else's Dad's birthday right now. No. 2 ~ my mother-in-law, god bless her, is perpetually sloshed. Not only does she drink herself into a pickled state on a daily basis, at least once if not twice a week she comes home stumbling, stupid drunk. As with most 'functioning' alcoholics, she can usually keep it pretty together, but it still unnerves me. No. 3 ~ for some reason, even though both myself as well as my husband have expressed no desire to reproduce, and even though, due to my disease and surgeries I am no longer able to do so, still pushes us to have children. It would be, technically, possible with a surrogate and IVF, but that's expensive as hell for something I don't want, anyway. I don't have the patience for children, and I know this. I wish more people would realize this about themselves before they have them, but I digress... what was I saying? Oh, so she keeps pushing us to have kids, and if I didn't want to have them before, I surely don't now that my Dad is gone. He was really the only good part of my family and the only one I was close to, and trying to explain him to my kids would just be heartbreaking.. 'Oh, I wish you'd known your Grandpa.. you know, he was just the best guy in the world.' No, thanks.

girl interrupted [Monday, April 7th 2008] It's been almost a month, but it doesn't feel like it. One day just bleeds into the next anymore. Fluid. Hazy. Devoid of all magic and hope. I guess you could say that I'm depressed, though I hate that classification, as it implies there isn't a reason for me to feel sad when there clearly is. Unfortunately, unlike those that have actual chemical imbalances keeping them from feeling 'normal', there is no pill that can fix me. I am broken... my heart as well as my spirit. Every object, every date, every conversation, everything I do now is marked by a 'before' and 'after'. That happened before Dad's death, or this happened afterwards. I look at everything in a new and twisted way. I still think I can call him, and every time I remember that I can't it makes me want to call him even more. The urge to just talk to him gets stronger every time I am reminded that it is no longer possible in the conventional sense. I wonder how much a collect call to the afterlife costs? I'm sure he would accept.. I realized, yesterday, when I wanted to call him for some silly thing that I didn't always call for the reasons I said (or thought) I did. Sometimes, I just wanted to hear his voice. There was no specific reason. Losing a parent is painful, but losing one who was also your closest friend hits even harder. I keep having dreams, insignificant events where my Dad is still alive.. maybe he's backing the car out of the driveway, mowing the lawn or just walking down the street. Things that I never would have put much thought into are now small miracles. The fact that I can still see him in my dreams is at least something. I went to lunch with a friend yesterday, who actually was a professor of mine, and it was nice to get away from my life for a bit. He's someone I don't know terribly well, and perhaps that is why I felt comfortable talking with him. There are no expectations and no reaction is wrong or out of place. I felt free to laugh at a bad joke, or immerse myself in someone else's thoughts without worrying if I'm being 'sad' enough. Inside, I am devastated, but outside I don't tend to show that. Even friends who are close to me are surprised by my reaction ~ it seems that my resolve to be strong through anything only magnifies the worse the situation. My friend asked me yesterday if I have even cried. I told him that I haven't allowed myself a serious breakdown because I am afraid if I did, I would never recover. My perception of such visible displays of emotion equaling weakness and my control-freak personality have been my saving grace. If I wasn't so goddamned stubborn, I'm sure I would have lost my mind. Every day, I shower, get dressed, put make-up on, have my strawberry white chocolate latte, and on the surface, everything looks the same. But nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same, ever again. Perhaps my dutiful attention to the normal routine is my way of stomping my feet and protesting. Or it could be that I am on autopilot, doing what I've always done because I no longer have the will to do anything else. People say I am handling this 'so well'. They don't realize that inside I am drowning, but I would rather die than ask any of them for help.

I never missed an opportunity to tell you that I loved you [Tuesday, April 1st 2008] I couldn't post about this when it happened, because I couldn't accept it yet. It felt like a bad dream, it was so surreal. I still don't want to accept it, but I will probably feel that way for the rest of my life. ( Read more.. ) My father was my hero, my best friend, a trusted authority on almost every subject under the sun, someone I could laugh with and the only person I could cry in front of, and the person I trusted with anything and everything. We talked every day, usually multiple times a day, and even within an hour of his death. I had just written a tribute to him in one of my classes, and last Christmas, when someone asked me what I ’wanted’, I had said I wanted to freeze time so that my Dad wouldn’t get any older and he could be with me forever. I hadn’t known, at that time, just how little we had left to spend together. I miss you, Dad, more than you will ever know. I never missed an opportunity to tell you that I loved you, and I am so thankful for every memory, for every silly moment, for every day you were alive, and I know that, even in death, you are watching over all of us, sending messages through license plates and mysteriously fixing a leak in the Jeep that we could never find before, no matter how hard we tried. It is heartbreakingly difficult to accept the tragic death of someone who never missed an opportunity to truly live. You will live on in the stories and memories of the family and friends you held so dear. We will never forget you.

resignation [Saturday, March 29th 2008] According to the most recent post in news, our apparently not-so-fearless leader jasonshellen has resigned from LiveJournal, for 'personal' reasons. Yeah, right... could that be because he was personally attacked in the 5,000 comments (<-- LJ's limit.. otherwise, I'm sure there would have been more) following the ridiculous spin 'news' post in response to the removal of basic accounts, and the apparent censorship of certain popular interests. I think it's terribly amusing. What a tool...

Russian Roulette [Tuesday, March 18th 2008] Here is the newest news in moronic-SUP/LJ-logic. And, here is another little tid-bit for you. I'll post the highlights below: From LJ user vakkotaur: 'I neither read nor speak Russian. I have only reworded two paragraphs from a Babelfish translation that stood out for me: In this situation, where they attempt to blackmail and to intimidate us, threatening to destroy our business, there is a business-reason not to reward this behavior. This is not the simple reaction of being more resistant the more pressure is applied. The fact is that through history no successful enterprise runs by being subjugated by unfriendly forces. No change, even the most correct one, will not experience some resistance. It would probably be best to reconsider the recent changes. But from our point of view it is now necessary to wait until after the boycott has faded. Let it pass and have the voices of protest fade. Then we can consider changing this policy. It does explain why there has been no news. They expect their "problem" will go away if they ignore it.' So... yeah. Apparently, we are 'blackmailing' them by complaining about the (lack of) service we are paying for. Nice. There is, of course, also this explanation, which basically states that they are intentionally trying to run LJ into the ground, because we are 'too organized', and 'a threat to [their] government'. That's the opinion of a long-time Russian user, by the way, not an irate American conspiracy theorist. SUP, I guess you just don't understand. I know that, over there, LiveJournal is the internet. It is the blogosphere. But here, there are many sites to choose from, and if we don't like any of those either, hell, we'll make our own. This will be my last post on LJ. I don't play board games and I am not about to play a virtual one. For those who've decided to stay, I would highly advise backing up your journal off-site, just in case. Call me paranoid, but I think not doing so is a bit like playing Russian roulette.

no ads! [Monday, March 17th 2008] In response to the recent decision to pull basic accounts, there is now a community for users who wish to trade their unused, ad-free accounts. It is called basic_accounts There is also another one t_eyla created called basic_journals. So, for those of you who have friends who may have wanted to sign up for LJ, but are hesitant now because of the new account structure, you can direct them to either community. It is very unfortunate that it has come to this, but perhaps this will teach SUP a lesson... no matter how diverse the LJ community is, we can quickly band together when necessary.

fire-retarded [Sunday, March 16th 2008] Pay attention, all you paid account holders (you know, those who think the recent decision to pull the basic account structure doesn't affect you). During the many years I've been on LJ, I've gone from Early Adopter (my first account ~ remember when you needed an 'invite code'?) to Basic, to Paid, then watched LJ bounce from brad to Six Apart, and now to SUP. In that time, we heard several things from the powers that be, first that LJ would never have ads. Then, it turns out that wasn't quite true, and the Plus account structure was born... but, it was ok, they said, because you would never be forced to have them. The option to have a very limited, ad-free account would always be there... right? Nope. They've now done away with that (something that was predicted a year earlier by seasoned LJ users, hence the no_lj_ads community). According to stewardess and other sources, SUP has been manipulating LJ's 'most popular interests' to exclude things like fanfiction, sex, faeries, gay/lesbian relations and depression. Can we say 'WTF'?? Apparently, SUP is ashamed of the bulk of its userbase. Nice. There has been no official response, as of yet. Further, there are new predictions, namely that SUP eventually (within the next year) plans to also do away with paid accounts. Their stance on this seems to be that, if (and when) advertising revenue exceeds the cost of paid accounts, they may consider it, but not until then. It's all about the almighty dollar, folks. Now, don't get me wrong... I recognize that LJ is a business, and they have to make money because everything costs money. However, I don't feel that ignoring the advice of their so-called 'Advisory Board' and making a substantial change to the account structure without even telling anyone is more than a load of bullshit. I would further make a few more predictions.. 1) Eventually, all content marked 'Adult' will no longer be public. You will need to have an account to see it, thereby allowing them to make a bit more money on advertising. 2) Basic accounts will disappear completely. They've already taken away the option of creating more.. will it really be such a blow later on to take them away for good? I am saddened to see such a valuable contributor to the blogging phenomenon go swiftly down into the flames. As of today, my main journal has been moved to another site. I may still post here (while my paid account is active) but 2009 will mark the end of LJ for me, forever, unless they do some serious backtracking and ass-kissing. I don't have a crystal ball, but I don't predict that happening... do you?

'Basic'ally screwed... [Thursday, March 13th 2008] Wow... I haven't read my friends page yet, but I'm sure there are posts on there about this. Apparently, SUP (the company that now runs LiveJournal) has decided to do away with Basic Accounts. That's right, folks.. if you haven't heard, all new accounts will either be Plus (ad-supported) or Paid (ie., not free). The option to create a basic account disappeared yesterday. Now, you may be thinking 'Surely not! I would have heard about it in the news post they just made!', but my friends, you would be wrong.. they thought they could sneak this by us because (and I am quoting the VP of Product Development, jasonshellen "it's been ages since any of [us] signed up for a new account" and, apparently, the registration process was "quite confusing and included a table of options that was not very inviting to new users" (http://news.livejournal.com/106731.html?thread=68484587#t68484587). Hmm... correct me if I'm wrong here, but we all did manage to graduate from kindergarten, right? We can all count to three, as in, three account choices. In addition, current users create new accounts all the time... they're called communities.  Now, like many longtime LJ users, you may also be thinking, 'There must be some misunderstanding, because they repeatedly promised us they would never do that', and again, my friends, you would be wrong. They did promise us that, but apparently, it was bullshit. Free users are no longer welcome on LiveJournal, because they don't bring in any revenue, erm, I mean, because SUP is working hard to add even more features and are currently revisiting our ad-supported strategy to find ways to deliver more user value. As for me, I valued basic, ad-free accounts but then no one asked me... or anyone else.

What's your sign? [Monday, March 10th 2008] How closely do you follow your horoscope? Do you identify with your zodiac sign? Have you ever thought perhaps you belonged in another sign instead? Chances are, you do. The real Solar Zodiac has more than twelve signs, and the dates differ from the standard Tropical Zodiac, which is the most familiar. ( What is your true Zodiac sign? ) According to this chart, I am actually a Sagittarius (the Tropical Zodiac places me in Capricorn). Interestingly, my husband's sign (which remains the same in both) is an opposing sign of Sagittarius (Gemini). ( Sag traits... what do you think? ) I think I have traits from both signs (Capricorn and Sagittarius) though I do think Sag fits me better. Caps are often portrayed as very 'stuffed shirt' workaholic type, which doesn't often apply to me. Though I can be very serious, I am also a rebel. I would love to know what others think about their 'true sign' and if it fits them better than the other. 1

tired Momma [Friday, March 7th 2008] Ollie was neutered today. He is not pleased. For one, he's probably never had an e-collar on, so he is quite fussy and vocal about that. The vet asked how old he was, and we said we didn't know, but that the rescue estimated his age around 1½ to 2 years. She asked if we wanted them to have a look at his teeth and make an estimate, so we agreed that was probably a good idea. She thinks he is closer to 16 months, which isn't too far off from what we thought. They did a complete blood screen before the surgery, and not knowing anything about him (and having no vet records since he'd never been before) I was worried they'd find something bad. They didn't.. he is very healthy and the surgery went well. They used gas anesthetic, rather than the standard intravenous because he is a brachyocephalic (short-nosed) breed, and they can have difficulty waking up from anesthesia. The gas is also metabolized by the lungs (rather than the liver) so it is safer, and patients are 'under' for a shorter period of time. It cost quite a bit more than a regular neuter, but it is important to me to do whatever is necessary for his comfort and safety. My parents are very excited to meet him. My Dad was a bit worried about us getting another Griffon, as Gizmo has been a little complicated on the health front, but we've (finally) gotten all of that sorted out.. turns out he had a lot of food and other allergies, and once we made some dietary changes (and I changed the perfume I'd been wearing off and on for the past few years) all of his digestive and sinus issues have cleared up, so it was never that he was unhealthy, just sensitive. The guy at the Solid Gold booth at the dog show was actually more helpful than the vets we've seen as far as determining what the likely causes were, and it appears he was right, as there have not been further issues since we followed his advice. I am very happy to have two healthy boys =)

random stuff [Thursday, March 6th 2008] I guess it's time for a more personal update. Things are going really well. I am still getting A's in all my classes, and finals are next week (and the following week). I was able to get the classes I wanted for next term, which is a big deal since there is only one Lit class available which is taught by one of my current professors (one I really like) and I was afraid I would end up on a waiting list. Ollie is doing really, really well for having been a puppy mill dog. He's opened up to us and has started to play with Gizmo and is learning what toys and snuggles are. For people unfamiliar with what kind of life these dogs have led, check this website. There are some fairly graphic images and descriptions, and while extremely disturbing, it is important to know exactly what buying from a pet shop (or from anyone who is not an established, responsible breeder) is supporting. Here is another site, which details how to rehabilitate a puppy mill survivor and begin to get them accustomed to what many house pets have known their whole lives... a home, a warm bed, playtime, walks in the park, snuggles... these are things puppy mill dogs have never known and some never fully recover from their experience.  With that in mind, I am very pleased to see how affectionate Ollie is, and how he has begun to trust, knows how to walk on a leash now and really enjoys the park... he was somewhat standoffish when we first got him (as much as a Griffon can be... they are a very affectionate and social breed) but now he has discovered that he really does like belly scratches and human contact. I look at him and I am amazed at how strong he is to have survived such a horrific experience (when we got him, he was emaciated and starved - he would overeat and then vomit because he didn't know when the next meal would be coming - this is how they live) and then I look at Gizmo, who has never known anything but love and being spoiled rotten, and I cannot imagine him going through anything like that. Dogs are resilient.. we could learn a lot from them. On a more personal note, my left hand is still blistered and bandaged from the second-degree burns. I am told not to pop the blisters, and that it could take 4-6 weeks to heal, so I am just waiting. One of the concerns with these types of injuries is staph infection, so I am being very careful. My aunt was in a horse-riding accident and got a staph infection after a skin graph, and it took months to recover. No thank you! I'd rather have the blisters! :)

More Griffy pics =) [Wednesday, March 5th 2008] Just some more pics... I love my boys!! ( So cute!!! )

introducing Oliver! [Sunday, March 2nd 2008] Oliver is my third Griffon, and a rescue dog. He was liberated in a puppy mill bust, along with Shih-Tzus and other Brussels Griffons, presumably bred together to make the 'designer' hybrid, the 'Shiffon'. Oliver had never walked on a leash, been to a regular vet, or to a pet store until today. He is learning new things everyday, and he is the sweetest little guy. Amazingly, even through the neglect and abuse in his previous situation, he retained many of the classic Brussels Griffon traits that make this breed so endearing to all who meet them. We drove five hours to pick Oliver up in northern Washington state, and though he is very lucky to have gotten out of his prior situation alive, we are the luckiest ones, because we get to share our lives with this incredible little creature. Please remember to spay and neuter your pets, and that when you buy a 'designer' breed or buy from a puppy mill you are supporting animal cruelty. Do not fool yourself into thinking that 'just one puppy' won't matter, because to a million other puppies, it will. x-posted various places

nicknames [Friday, February 29th 2008] 1. Do you have any nicknames or other names that you or others use to refer to you on a regular basis? Yes, a few... one of them is my username here. 2. Did you adopt it/them, or did someone else or a group give it/them to you? Some were given by family and others by friends, co-workers, my husband.. 3. Is it okay for anyone to use it/them, or is it a mark of intimacy/familiarity for someone to be allowed to use it/them? The nicknames used in my family have cultural significance (and are in another language), so generally no one else knows what they mean ~ anyone who is close enough to me to know them can use them, but it's more frequently only family that does. There are others that are specific to individual friends, and in some cases my 'real' name is rarely used. 4. Do you tend to make up nicknames for your friends and/or partners? For people I am close to, or people I dislike.. some people probably don't want to know what their nicknames are :P 5. Do you use those nicknames you make up in day-to-day conversation, or only when referring to the person in the third person? Day-to-day conversation, definitely.

if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... [Thursday, February 28th 2008] I love when people ask a question they already know the answer to, because they want someone to give them an excuse to stay ignorant. They see the red flags, the obvious reasons why it isn't a good idea, and all it takes is one person telling them it's ok, and they fold, ignoring their guilty conscience screaming at them, telling them it's wrong. I am both amazed and appalled at the way people toss aside their ethics and any moral code for a 'good deal'. How good of a deal is it when it hurts others? Of course, I am assuming here that these individuals have any sort of integrity to begin with, which may or may not be accurate. It is exhausting even speaking with these people, claiming to want your advice or opinion, only to toss it aside when, true as it may be, it isn't what they wanted to hear. They want an excuse to be a selfish jackass. I just can't be a part of that anymore.

picture post! [Tuesday, February 26th 2008] Before we get to the fun part (the ultimate, cutesy puppy picture part) I will give a short, detailed lesson of what not to do when working on your vehicle. I was underneath the Jeep on Friday, trying to diagnose a very annoying rattling sound coming from directly beneath the driver's seat, when I went to grab the passenger side edge to pull myself out. Unfortunately, I made a very serious tactical error and grabbed the exhaust pipe instead. Under normal circumstances, with the Jeep off, this is not such a big deal, except that I had just driven it around the block a few times to try to get a better idea of where to look next, and exhaust pipes can get to 400 degrees in a matter of minutes. If I had just touched it or brushed against it, that would have been a mildly painful lesson learned, but instead, I grabbed onto it full force and pulled, resulting in blistering, second degree burns on my left thumb, middle and index fingers. ( Wanna see? ) Yeah, major ouch.. I didn't cry, but I cursed a whole-fucking-lot! I spent the bulk of the day and into the night with my hand in a cup of ice water, which you are not supposed to do, but when the pharmacist suggested I remove the ice from the water I nearly hissed my objection through clenched teeth. No fucking way was I giving up my ice water.. it was the only thing that was helping!! In retrospect, this method of pain relief only served to extend my misery, but at the time it was so horrifically painful that even I couldn't bring myself to deal with it, and my tolerance for pain is pretty high. My advice? Don't grab on to the exhaust pipe and if you do, take some narcotics and pass the fuck out because it's going to hurt like hell for awhile. Now, on to the cuteness... ( pictures! ) That's it! Have a good week =)

new on the pet store shelves.. Purina with barbed wire! [Sunday, February 24th 2008] So, there is a post in the huskylove community about what dogs should and should not eat with regard to 'human' foods. The post essentially starts out fine, about grapes, etc., and the comments are fine... that is, until the one where megadog states that it's completely fine for dogs to eat anything they want, including barbed wire!! I don't know about you, but I always feed my dogs barbed wire... and chocolate.. mixed with anti-freeze. *idiot*

*yawn* [Monday, February 18th 2008] Not feeling so hot today. I'm not really sure why. I had cramps most of yesterday, and today I am exhausted and my stomach is a bit 'off'. I could really use some caffeine, but that's probably not a good idea. My wrist is doing better, though I still can't write worth a shit. Typing is fine, as long as I don't overdo it, and I can take my laptop to school for psych and writing notes, but it's difficult to take any proper notes in math. Speaking of which, I am very, very tempted to skip that class today and take a nap. Or even go for a walk.. it's gorgeous outside!! I just don't know if I can take two hours of math right now.. ( I made this today... ) I think it's definitely going to be a sweatpants day..

Valentine's Day [Friday, February 15th 2008] My lovely husband bought me a gift set with some perfume that I used to wear years ago from The Body Shop. We normally try not to spend too much money on 'extras' since we are on a budget, but since it was Valentine's we decided to splurge a bit.. We stopped by one of my favorite stores (and one of the few reasons I ever go to the mall anymore) called Teavana. We usually get the Jasmine Dragon Phoenix Pearls/Rooibos Tropica blend, but we decided to go for something different this time. These are the teas we picked out.. Mate Vana Herbal Tea Deliciously smooth blend of toasted Yerba Mate, almond bits, crushed cocoa beans, and cactus blossoms. Mixed with: Rooibos Chai Rooibos Tea "Delicious caffeine-free Chai with cinnamon, vanilla, ginger, cardamom, and lemongrass." we also bought...   Cloud 9 Rooibos Tea A heavenly blend of citrus pieces and strawberries with green Rooibos and decadent tiny marshmallows. This tea will send you over the moon. and.. Lavender Dreams White Tea A rare delicate white tea with the tranquility evoking scent of lavender blossoms and violet flowers. and.. Azteca Fire Herbal Tea Blend consists of crushed cocoa, apple bits, strawberry pieces, chocolate bits, safflower petals, and crushed chili pepper.

happy girl [Thursday, February 14th 2008] I can't write much because my wrist is still f*cked up and I'm not supposed to be using it, but I wanted to update... I got an A (actually, better than an 'A', because I did the extra credit, so it was 103%) on my psych exam, an A on my thesis in writing, and (are you ready for this???!) an A on my math test, as well!! I am a straight-A student!!!!!! I cannot even begin to express how happy I am right now =)

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