Call of DJ Creaturesque

Visitation (Not THAT kind)

2008-09-10T23:07:59Z

Tonight is my first night visiting my family and I have to say that at this moment I am utterly bored. It's not that my company is boring, it is just that I am used to having something to do at this time of night. There isn't much to do out in the country on the outskirts of a small town. I should have brought my car with me. At least I could drive around town and seek out someone to hang around with. Maybe see an old friend in the local 24 hour supermarket and catch up on what has been going on.
I realized yesterday how much I do not want to move back in this area. I won't be moving back to the small town, but the bigger town about twenty minutes away. It still doesn't make much of a difference considering that everyone in this area acts the same. Excluding my friends, and some family who are open minded and accepting.

What I will miss most about living in Austin is the anonymity. Nobody knew who I was and didn't care to know. It was a big relief not having people stare at me while grocery shopping or hearing hushed whispers when I browsed clothes. I despise how the people in this small town act like they are better than you, how they judge you, and how they look down on you for being somewhat different. I will miss Cheapo's, Vulcan Video, Family Thrift Store, New Mandarin Chinese food, and everything else that made Austin an ideal city to live in.
I'm not moving until the end of the month. I'm writing all of this because I have nothing to do and my mind is surprisingly clear.

I do miss living out here in the country as well. I don't feel cramped up in a beehive and my mind can actually wander without feeling like it is going to be lost. I do find isolation quite pleasing sometimes.

creaturesque @ 2008-09-09T00:42:00

2008-09-09T05:44:06Z

It's strange how disconnected I feel sometimes. Like somewhere in the past I have died, and everything that is happening now is just an illusion. I am just a spirit in complete ignorance of my death and I am existing in a made up reality. I think I have been isolating myself too much lately. Yeah, that is most definitely my problem.

I hate myself when I am too social, and I am unhappy when I am alone. I was on a good path before reality really hit me. I was trying to become a better human being. More caring of others, more helpful, more compassionate, but somewhere along the way I fell off that path. Now I don't know where I am going with all of this.

The only thing I really have going for me is being an online radio DJ, and I am not sure how long my position is going to last. I can not help my deviations. I have a tendency to become reclusive, and communication among the management is something required.

I'm going to my parent's place around noon and staying until Thursday afternoon. I hope things will still be good when I come back..

Rosetta Stone

2008-09-08T00:15:50Z

I was listening to my Rosetta Stone album today on the way to the grocery store. Yes, somehow I found money. There was one particular song that really caught my attention. The lyrics describe my situation more than I would like them to. Well, I'm not a boy but that is not the point..

Small Town Boy (Lyrics)

You leave in the morning
With everything you own
In a little black case
Alone on a platform
The wind and the rain
On a sad and lonely face
Mother will never understand
Why you had to leave
But the answers you seek
Will never be found at home
The love that you need
Will never be found at home

Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.

Pushed around and kicked around
Always a lonely boy
You were the one
That they'd talk about around town
As they put you down
And as hard as they would try
They'd hurt to make you cry
But you never cried to them
Just to your soul
No you never cried to them
Just to your soul

Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Cry , boy, cry...

I'm not a good person

2008-09-07T05:10:48Z

I really need to find a way to stop feeling so down when I spend money on myself. I'm not quite sure why, and I wish it would stop. I will have this desire to buy something, and that desire will become a want, and that want becomes almost a need. That feeling will get so overwhelming to the point where I will find a means to get it. After I get it, I feel really bad about it.

Everytime I think about the times in my life where I really wanted something and got it, I start to feel guilty. I feel like everything I have ever gotten was undeserved. I'm sure it has a lot to do with growing up as an only child. There are a lot of elements about being an only child that are really displeasing. Being selfish, self-centered, greedy, and inconsiderate are just a few. I don't like to act that way and when I find myself doing those things I feel like such a bad person.

I was once a good person, I think. I'm a horrible human being.. I'm not the kind of woman you want to be with, nor am I the kind of person you would want to be friends with. In the end I end up hurting everyone I care about as well as myself.

The funny thing about this, is that I am not really upset over anything in particular. I am just telling you how I see myself.. and how displeased I am with myself.

*Edit*
I hate the concept of food right now. Why can't my stomach act like it doesn't exist?

creaturesque @ 2008-09-05T20:40:00

2008-09-06T02:22:09Z

Another Day just like every other day. Is there a difference? Most likely not.. I took my medicine today so I feel a bit more grounded than usual.

Lately it's been hard for me to wake-up completely, so throughout the day I feel zoned.

Another Odd Dream

2008-09-03T08:24:51Z

I want to record this before I go to sleep. I'm surprised that I still remember this after all that went on today. It is a dream I had just before I woke up today around 12pm. Please excuse my bad grammar! I am really tired...

I walked into a pet adoption agency because I wanted to adopt a cat. I was led into a back room where a huge aquarium was. Inside the aquarium were two white cats and two boa constrictors. The cats were feeding on the boas and the boas were feeding on the cats. Both seemed really angry at one another, and I was quite appalled by the site. After that I woke up..

I think I am catching on to the theme of my dreams, or I am just looking way too into it.

In my opinion, my set today was awesome. It sounded really good!

New Djs, Strange Dream

2008-09-01T23:54:30Z

I chose CommieJournal because it seems more obscure than the other journal sites. I found it by extensive searching, and when I mean extensive, 45 minutes worth of searching. Considering the way I am, and I feel like my journal host should reflect upon me as a person in some way. Maybe I am just being strange.

Today we hired two more new DJs and I had to help them both get the broadcasting software set up. It wasn't hard, and I'm not really complaining. Both of them seem really cool, especially my friend Fahad. He's a really awesome person, and he just got back from a vacation to Thailand. His set is going to be wuite interesting, I am sure.

I had a strange dream last night. I was seeing a guy who lived here and I went over to his house. I didn't recognize who he was, because I don't know anyone here with long black hair. He was playing a video game, and I was thinking in my head, "When are we going to start making out?". He turns off the game system and looks at me with a very scared look on his face. "They're here", he mummbled. I look behind me and there is a decapitated corpse walking towards me and woman's corpse holding onto the first corpse's arm. "These are my parent's. My Mother killed my father when found out he was cheating on her and she poisoned herself. They can not leave this house until I procreate.", he explained to me.
I decided that it was time to leave, so I got up and ran out of the house and all the way back to my apartment. It was quite odd.

What A Mind

2008-09-01T01:52:39Z

I thought I would do something different today. I played a 30 minute block of music I use to listen to when I was younger and full of angst. I may do it again tonight, since I didn't get many listeners on my first go.

Before I went to sleep last night, I was thinking to myself. I feel like I can not change the undesirable parts of myself that I created so long ago. I feel so damn corrupted sometimes. I'm sure it isn't really that bad, but it seems like I really did fuck things up for myself. The way I try to justify things compared to other people who think those certain things are immoral just seem so skewed.

Other than my mindless complaining, I came across a song today that my best friend and I use to jam to all the time. Here are some of the lyrics from that song:

"My heart was a wardrum beat
By jugular cults in eerie jungle vaults
When number thirteen fell in my lap
Lips and skin like sin, a Venus Mantrap
My appetite whetted, storm crows wheeled
At the blurred edges or reason 'til I was was fullfilled
Whor d'oeuvres eaten, I tucked Her into
A grave coffin fit for the Queen of Spades
She went out like the light in My mind
Her face an avalanche of pearl, of ruby wine...
Much was a flux, but the mouth once good for fucks
Came from retirement to prove She had not lost Her touch
I kissed Her viciously, maliciously, religiously
But when has ONE been able TO best separate the Three?
I know I'm sick as Dahmer did, but this is what I do
aah, aah, ahh, I'll let you sleep when I am through..."

After Tonight's Set and I'm so Tired

2008-08-30T07:37:01Z

Tonight's set went really well, if I say so myself. I got quite a few listeners and some chatroom interaction, which is always a good thing. It's been better since I fixed my software problems and I can use my mic now even though it still has some complications due to Vista. I wanted to be on longer but I started having bandwidth complications due to my bandwidth hogging room mate. I'll be glad when I get out of here and get my own cable. Then that is when the REAL fun starts!

I am quite tired right now, so I am heading off to go sleep. A good thing about keeping a journal is that you can put little reminders to yourself for the next day. Like, I need to get some black pants tomorrow for my new job before 6pm. I know I will forget that if I don't jot that down. And I have no idea how I am going to get there, most likely use public transit. I also need to get a black polo shirt. Whatever a polo shirt looks like.. haha

Goodnight..So Tired

To Break The Ice

2008-08-30T00:13:27Z

I'm creating this journal on the full intention of keeping it updated. I've been all around the interweb today trying to find the best online journal website to call home.
Right now I am listening to DJ Sockpuppet's lineup and searching in the depths of my mind to find something to type down here for my first entry. I have a friend who sends comic files to me and I use a program called SIR to read them. I was reading "I Feel Sick", but then I got completely sidetracked when Tori messaged me.
I'll more than likely update later on tonight when I can think of something better to say. My mind is kind of on a mission into getting this journal to look like it is my journal.